I hear many people saying that women will “change the world”, and that “feminine power” is what we need. Even though I agree with the sentiment, hence this substack, it feels important and honouring of the times we are in, to be more nuanced about what we mean when we say such things.
Premise 1 - we need both male and female capacities to create new things, from babies to systems. (both the inner circle and outer circle)
Premise 2 - Most patterns of systems we see in the outer circle have been unconsciously created or dictated by men.
Premise 3 - Most patterns of inner circle dynamics at the house have been (consciously or unconsciously) created or dictated by women
Premise 4 - we need to interpenetrate outer and inner circles in an unprecedented way which doesn’t mean going back to pagan times but also not being an isolated family unit.
This split in “power” (inner and outer circle) without full recognition of what is happening, brings confused behaviour that is not generative to either males, females or the collective.
Today I’ll expand on these premises.
Women need to be involved in creating our outer systems because, otherwise, she has to fit into what others have created (which has been happening for a long time).
In basic terms, women have needs that men are blinded to and the more our systems keep being created by mostly men the more this gap will hold.
The same is true in the inner circle. In the context of the nuclear family, the women and their capacity to sense interpersonal dynamics, nurture, and hold the invisible realm” binds it all together. In this context, she might expect her partner to have the same sensitivities that she has. He doesn’t.
In the book I am writing, I share that we need women’s sensibilities to create systems that honour and care for the world. You can’t leave women out of systems and imagine they (systems) will naturally be caring. This is the role of women, deeply embedded in their biology.
Of course, men also care, but in a very different way. Think dad pushing a kid to learn to swim, versus a mom holding the heart of that kid after a fight with a friend.
But there is a catch.
Centred women are naturally generous. Their sense of self extends to her family or community and she is naturally “in service” of the world around her.
The beauty of a woman’s operating system is that she is wired to be relational. Not in the way we think of relationships. In a much more fundamental way. She is her relationships. She calibrates her nervous system through the presence of other women, she laughs and produces oxytocin and this makes her more loving, more tribal and more protective of “her people”.
The thing is…we now live in this fallacy of individualism that - let’s face it - is not ideal for anyone. For women, however, it’s beyond “not ideal”. It robs her of her capacity to see herself.
So she walks this life aimlessly, responding to rules that have never had her best interest in mind, triggered by men’s behaviour at home, not knowing how to hold the heart of humanity without burning out.
If women naturally care for the collective because she is the collective, when they are overstretched (and modern-day women are) they close themselves to everything around them.
If a centred woman is naturally generous, a woman that is “not centred” is naturally trapped in a cycle (women are cyclical beings and if we don’t work consciously with our cycles they will work us!)and that might feel “egocentric” to others, which is the opposite of a woman’s nature.
The world is so fast-paced that she can’t breathe in it. She watches cat videos on YouTube to calm her system, to laugh and to bring her back into some sense of normalcy.
Some of my female friends have made it part of their daily routine to watch cat videos. These are busy wise women. So whatever they are doing, I watch with care.
I see that “cat videos” working as a quick fix, a bandaid of sorts to our broken hearts. But if this is meant to support a woman’s journey, then we might as well help her see what’s happening.
If men are the “How”, women are the “Why”.
Testosterone wants to create, build and expand. The cyclical nature of women goes from complying and supporting a project (follicular phase of the cycle) to questioning and asking why, slowing this process down (luteal phase).
But the world is so so quick that she has forgotten to notice her own “why”, as she moves quickly between jobs, children and home. She is uprooted and loses her why.
But she is not only “her why”. She is the “why of the world”.
It is her job to stop the impulse of testosterone when it has gone too far. It is her job to ask why every time an action feels out of alignment. It is NOT a man’s job to stop himself. He can (and that is a sign of maturity) but that is her job description. His job is to listen to a wise woman when she speaks.
The early stages of the healing pathway for Her look a bit like this.
Recognize that the rhythm dictated by the outer world hasn’t been made to work for you. (top priority)
Do whatever it takes to recalibrate your system daily. Cat videos here we go! (but don’t stop there)
Create real circumstances in your life in which your body and mind relax that are NOT online.
Come back to your senses and attune to the world
Learn to be “response-able” through cultivating mind/body awareness
Become proficient in noticing how the world around you shapes you and you shape the world in return.
When a woman comes back to “ her senses” which means that she is calibrated to her environment and not uprooted by it, she can start serving the collective in a way that doesn’t detract from her experience. Quite the contrary. She is nurtured while nurturing. Like a symbiotic relationship.
The best way to think of that is through garden metaphors. As you plant you are doing something for the earth, for the plant, for the community and yourself. As you work with the land, you ground yourself. The relationship is not only reciprocal but generative.
The world needs her. So we need you (no matter your sex or gender) to connect to Her.
A woman’s gift to the world comes from her overflowing magnetism. In the same way that a waterfall or a rose that just bloomed might open us to awe (a state shift in which we are open to the beauty of the world), women can also do that but only when not depleted. Women are the guardians of what’s beautiful, and that doesn’t only mean the beauty of young women (which can also be awe-inducing). They are the natural gardeners, beautifiers, healers, poets and artists of life. But, there is a caveat. They can only do that when they are present, in their bodies, attuned to what the world around them needs and to her needs. Easier said than done!
Men need to understand women and learn to “speak” the language women so we can create together.
Women need to understand that most men have never meant to hurt or do harm. Quite the contrary and look at them through generous eyes. (that doesn’t mean complying)
I’ll be doing lots of stuff in this area in the coming weeks and months and will also run two courses. One for men (fathers, husbands, friends) and the other for women after 40!
Watch this space. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Ohhhh! I LOVE this so much. Cat video is a medicine I use to counter the dryness of modernity too. No shame about it.
Brilliant post Adrianna. Affirming, authentic and generative....so looking forward to more.
Are you leading an workshops any time soon?